The Wife’s
Invisible Slap
Today, I invited my wife to be present in this audience for my
first ever Toastmasters speech. And here is what she had to say. “For 22 long
years I am listening to your never-ending talks, Blah, Blah, and Blah. And now
you expect me to sit with strangers and hear and listen to your PUBLIC SPEECHES
TOO NOW?”
ARE THERE ANY
MARRIED MEN HERE IN THE AUDIENCE? You all will know for a fact.
Can a husband ever do all the talking at home?
I persist and try to convince my wife to still come. My big
mistake. What she said and made me shut up and was like a one tight slap... (Pretend
to slap yourself)
“Well, they have to listen to your talks now, since, few
days back you wasted our hard earned money of Rs.5400/- by paying to
Truven, your Toastmaster’s Membership Fees. (Pause) Now you want me to waste my
time…
Further to this, “trust me “she said, “Take Toastmasters
training very seriously and soon someday, people will pay to hear your talks”
(Pretend to slap yourself)
She also promised me that she will be present only, for those
public speeches of mine, when my talking will bring money walking to our home.
Now I am totally confused. Did my wife compliment me or did she
insult me or did she taunt me or did she challenge me? This is what I call a
Wife’s Invisible One Tight Slap.
INTRODUCTION
• Toastmasters
Welcome
A very good evening and a very warm welcome to all of you MY Ana
Fonte Toastmasters, Toastmasters from other clubs if any, New Members, Guests,
Evaluators and how can I forget my most Honorable and Respectable and Bribable
judges. I wish you all, some great laughs today.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME
Hi Dancer, (wave hand), hi Dumpster (wave hand), hi
Dung-man (wave hand)
Yeah that was me
Has If any one of you in this audience has chosen to change or
taken on a new identifying name as your PEN NAME or ALIAS NAME or BUSINESS
NAME, then please raise your hand high up like this way. No. NO. Not Pet names.
Okay. Keeping your legal birth name aside, what your parents had given you, has
any one chosen to take a new name for oneself?
I CAN SEE ONLY 1
RAISED HAND (look at your raised hand here) AND THAT IS MINE.
My legal birth name is Denzil Dias. I choose to have my
new alias name as Deepak and here is the humorous reason as to why. I
migrated to Goa 22 years back from Mumbai. Everyone here in Goa, seemed to have
difficulty in pronouncing my name accurately; my name of Denzil was being
pronounced as Danzer, sometimes as Danzil and worst still as Dancil. AND Yes
Dancer, Dumpser and Dungman too.
One day as I was waiting eagerly for a phone call to close a
business deal from my Soft Toys Manufacturer, a lady. I was all alone at
home. Her phone call got delayed. I got so angry and hot, so I went to have a
Cold Shower bath. Little later I heard the phone ring and I rushed out totally naked
to take the call.
Hey no worries. I had a cold shower!!
After the business deal was closed, this lady very decently
requested me to change my name. She said that she had not jotted down my name
in some diary. Hence she had extreme difficulty in recollecting it.my
name.
Finally after many hours of thinking, she noticed her little
child playing with some color pencils. She picked up one pencil and continued
to stare at it, repeating the word, pencil she started repeating in her
mind. Pencil, pencil, pencil, pencil, pencil aha there it is this Goan Guys
name is Denzil.
Whack (Pretend to slap yourself)
I was so filled with anger and rage. This was like a ONE TIGHT
SLAP to me but sent via the telephone. I kept the receiver back on the
wall phone. There I was standing half showered, half shampooed and fully naked,
standing tall. For a moment I went out of my mind, People are remembering my
name after looking at a pencil. Was this seriously happening I asked my
little fellow, below, Should I change my name from Denzil to Pencil? Miracles
of miracles, even he had an opinion and he shook himself with his head, from
left to right to communicate his NO.
So Denzil became
Deepak. I managed to keep the same number of alphabets not to affect
numerology. I kept the same first alphabet D. Now my name has meaning too.
Deepak means Vessel or Lamp of light.
THE MOTHERS TIGHT
SLAP
So that’s me, I was Made in Delhi, that is North of India, Born
in Mumbai, that is in West coast of India and today I am living in Goa that is
in South of India. To know where I was made, for this too, I had to take a ONE
NOT SO TIGHT YET LOVING SLAP from my mother.
BIRTH CERTIFICATE
From the feet to my waist, I have a very MASCULINE figure. From
the waist above, I have a very FEMININE figure. As you all very well can see
that I am a Male, a Man, but if any of you have any doubts about my Gender or
Sex, then you can privately meet me somewhere, someplace, and I will show you
(very long pause) my BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
MISS DCOSTA ENGLISH
TEACHER
Almost at some time or the other, during our school life have we
all must have liked or loved some special teacher. Some of you at some time
must have had a CRUSH or two, over some male or female teacher. You all must
have loved your teachers. I did too. I WAS IN LOVE WITH MY MISS DCOSTA TEACHER.
I wanted to marry her when I would reach the age of 21. So one fine day I found
her alone, I gave her a Rose, and told her I LOVE YOU TEACHER. I wanna marry
you when I become 21 years old. I wanna.. (Pretend to slap yourself) You know
what happened next. ONE TIGHT SLAP.
MISS FIZARDO
ENGLISH TEACHER
English class and it was Deepak’s turn, to “make a sentence with
two words” and learn…..
Mrs. Fizardo gave Deepak two big words, Discovery and
Invention…..
I created a sentence with pure of heart and clean intention…..
What I got was “One Tight Slap” for my creation……
My created sentence was: My Father DISCOVERED my Mother and INVENTED
me.
CONCLUSION
Mrs. Fizardo made me remember a saying for life, about how never
to be late at any place or event and always to come on time.
“If you cannot come
on time, then you can come early”.
Unfortunately that is not the best advice when you are
married…ends up with you being slapped.
Yes just try and get your wife to get ready on-time, let alone
early…. See if you don't get a One Tight Slap.
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